THAT LAST FEATHER

I’m sitting in a quiet and dark café with an angel who’s already long since lost his wings. We stare into each other’s faces quietly and intently. I’m afraid to talk. His it’s long been beaten by life. His eyes are faded with a desire to change the world for the better. Unfinished coffee in front of me and my head is full of thoughts. Coffee has long since cooled down, I’m wondering if I should order another one. Another sleepless night. The rain knocks on the window with his wet fingers, he probably wants to get inside, to that otherwise cosy cafe. There’s an elderly gentleman sitting at the back, drinking his last cup of tea, and already one foot is out the door. It’s still raining outside. And even the pale young lady is putting on her grey coat and quietly to sneaked out into the somewhere night. And we continue to sit in the same place. With a stiff expression, we keep looking into each other’s eyes. The barista brings another coffee, what about the fact that I haven’t even ordered it yet. I watch the rain wet the street and the opposite sidewalk with its drops. A moment ago, there was a crowd of people running after their goals. Now is as empty there as it is inside this sunken cafe. His eyes pierce me with the desire to tell. I whisper softly, “Then get started.” He looked at me, frightened. “I,” he replied as quietly as I had first, made his request. “Yes, I know you have an undying desire within you to tell me your own story, and I’m here to listen to him. You know this night like this is not endless.” “Yes, it’s not,” he replied, still staring at me, “but it may be as long as we need to be.” These his observations terrified me at times, but already I got used to them. He looked at me again with sadness in his eyes. “I miss my wings. I lost them years ago, but I still miss them. The scars are burning to me, what I have left after them. Whenever I think I’ve learned to live like you, they start burning me, like an old reminder of that”…..he fell silent. We looked at each other in silence and without movement for a few minutes. “It’s always like they’re smating me on the back with a red-hot whip.” He added, a tear glistening in the corner of his eye, small tiny, but it was there. Like he wanted to cry.
“You’re crying,” I asked.
“No, it’s just smoke that stings my eyes,” he replied. His sarcasm sometimes amazed me. “How many times have you loved someone?” He asked me. I rather look out the window, I never wanted to answer that question again, and he knew the answer anyway. He understood it the night we first met. After a moment of awkward silence, still, expecting my answer, I sipped from my mug. The coffee was long cold. “Why do you ask that again?”
“Because the world is a place full of miracles and worth fighting for. Cold coffee also you don’t like either, and you still drink it with me night after night. So how much?” How important was that answer to him, and how little for me. The memory, already was drowned in the very inner bowels of my soul, was overshadowed by many others and countless new experiences of my ordinary days. And just as every time he asked me it stabbed me in the heart as if it had only happened yesterday and not years ago. And every second with him starts to be longer than a year. “Once this night it will end and will turn into day,” I mentioned. The answer came faster than I expected, “but with the next day will come also another night.”
“If I answer to you, you’ll finally tell me why you lost your wings.”
“Why do you think I want to talk about this?”
“I don’t know”, I retorted it, “but I’d like to know, as many times as I’ve loved.” I took a deep looked into his eyes and wondered why he wouldn’t read it in my soul as he did with everything that interested him and wanted to know. He looked down and whispered in the silence, “because this time I am wanting to do it like you, you people.” He was ashamed. I winked at him and added quietly, “You just want to talk and listen.”
“No, listen no. I listen to you the whole time we sit here, even if you don’t say anything, I still hear you. I listened, for centuries I just listened and did what I was told and I don’t want to anymore. At least for once, I want to be myself.”
“And Is that why you lost your wings?”
“Yes. Precisely because I once decided to stop listening to someone else’s nonsensical wishes.”
“Only that’s why they took your wings.”
“They burned them.”
“Did they burn them?”
“Yes, to ashes and then they threw into the sea. This is the greatest punishment for us, for the angels. Take our wings and burn them, because already we can never gain them back. We will never be able to fly over trees and forests again, it will never be able to take off above cliffs and headfirst run get down, just like birds do, and just above the water we stop or not and just fly into below the surface. We will never see the world from above, we will never spend long nights again… You know, they will take away our freedom and bind us to the land, and we will be dependent to walk on it like you, as people.”
“But that’s not so bad.”
“No, it’s not, but when you’re used to flying and then everything changes from day to day and you know you’ll never spread your snow-white wings and take off, it just hurts a little in your heart, you know.” He looked sadly at my eyes and then continued. “You know best how it hurts, you’ve already experienced it.”
“It’s been a long time,” I snapped.
“Yes, I know, but it always comes up when someone asks you about it or when something reminds you of it.”
“Nobody asks anymore, just you over and over again.”
“Well, at least you know how I feel now, my friend.”
“Friend? You’ve never called me that.”
“Maybe is right now the time to start with this.”

“And they”……I took a deep breath and wanted to continue my question, but he probably started reading my mind again because he jumped in and answered me straight away, even though he promised not to do it tonight. “No, they will never grow again. We only have one and that’s why they are so important to us. They give us freedom and peace of mind of our soul.”
“Do you have a soul?”
“What did you think of us? That we are just machines that do what they are told without thinking. Actually, you’re right, we do it, but we’re just like that because they want us to be like that. But soul, we have a soul here. Same as you. We only perceive a lot of things differently, it is due to the fact that our lives do not end after a few decades, but only after many centuries.”

“And what did you do then, when they took them from you?”
“I went to church, but I was no longer welcome, I was no longer one of them. I was a traitor. I walked in front of the altar and laid the last of my feather on it, as a reminder of a time when I was serving so faithfully and had sinned only once.”
“Wait, just because you once refused to listen? This is too harsh a punishment. After all, we sin all the time still.”
“Yes, you do, but we are angels. We must not once.”
“Why didn’t you keep it? That’s”…….He jumped into my speech, “and you kept?”
“No, I didn’t keep.”
“So you see. They are just silent witnesses, silent reminders of days that were, but are no longer. ”In this he was right. After all, as always. “And then?”
“And then I had to leave, isn’t that obvious?”
“From the church?”
“That also.”
“But what did you do?”
“I wandered the streets and”……. he looked me in my eyes again. Because you refused to listen to what they told you. I kept repeating myself in my mind, and over time it came to me more and more absurd, I didn’t really understand what its point was. “Sometimes things don’t make sense,” he replied. “At least not immediately or with a visible meaning, but in the long run, some will become clear over time.”
“But your wings won’t come back to you.”
“No, it won’t.”
“What about the ones that don’t clear up.” With a tender expression I’ve never seen before on his, he smiled softly at me. “And no, they didn’t take them from me because I didn’t listen to them, but because I refused to obey to them. I refused to obey their nonsensical orders.” I must have amused him because he was visibly smiling. Yes, it made sense now. “See, I told you, sometimes things get clear.” And I got another so precious lesson from him.
“So how much?” Again he began with the dull phrase.
“Again.”
“Yes, I want to know.”
“No, you don’t. You just enjoy it. That you’re an angel”, “so what?”
“Sometimes you’re annoying, friend.”
“So friend?”
“Yes, you started whit this. And you know what, I’ll tell you, but it’s the last time. “
“No, it’s not the last time, and you know it better than anyone else.” We both laughed at the last sentence as if we were old friends. Then I looked at him and added with a smile, “I had a few loves, some were more important to me and some less so,” he jumped to me speech. “Is that what you want to tell me? But I didn’t ask how many relationships you had, but how many times you loved someone, really loved it. “
“Is there a difference?”
“Yes and big.”
“Well then,” I began, and I immediately fell silent again. “What was her name,” he asked.
“Elloise, but we only called each other Elloi, she was the girl next door. Small and cute with a glowing smile from ear to ear.”
“Yes, Elloi,” he repeated after me, then added quietly, “I was sorry.” I took a breath and, perhaps for the first time with peace of mind, replied, “It’s behind me now.” And with a sincere expression, he looked me in the eyes, “No, and you didn’t fail. It was just supposed to be that way back then, one day you’ll understand.”

“And your story?”
“It’s more complicated, but let’s get back to it. Where did we end up?”
“That you didn’t listen.”
He smiled from ear to ear, “Not that I didn’t listen, that I didn’t obey, I didn’t obey the order.”
“That’s why you lost your wings,” I added. “Yes, that’s why I lost my wings,” he repeated. Even though it was a deep night and there was nothing outside except for a few shabby figures. “You know, I wonder…”you know”, “if I knew, that I will lose my wings if I do,” he added. “Yes, I knew it.”
“And you did it anyway.”
“I did it anyway.”
“But why? You lost the most precious thing you had.”
“That’s true, but I still got something much more valuable.”
“Something much more valuable that is more valuable than the wings for an angel?” I was so excited that I almost overturned the coffee mug, which just fluttered on the table for a moment as if the wind was playing with autumn leaves, fortunately, it was empty. He grabbed it instead of me and put it back where it stood before I poked it carelessly. He looked at me, “you know, if you keep interrupting me still like this, I won’t have time to tell you my own story before tonight is over.” He admonished me.

“Well then,” he decided to continue on his own. It was probably more important to him than he wanted to admit because I’ve never experienced him like this. He was looking at me, not really at me as much as at my soul, something deep inside me, inside my soul, attracted him. He noticed that I caught him doing it and began to blush. “Since when can angels blush?”
“Since ancient times,” was his reply. “Why shouldn’t we know, I told you we’re just like you, we just have a few wings more.”
“And immortal life and be free like,” I stopped me, and then quickly added like birds. “Being free like birds.”
“Being free like birds, interesting do you really think of us? That we are free? So listen. Everything, everything in the world has a price, two sides. We have never really been free and we never will be. We are just puppets of the mission and for the wishes of others. And what good is endless life when you’re caught in the net of others’ plans? And why, for which reason? You see, I have so many questions same like you, but I can’t answer them. And I’ve been walking around this country for centuries, looking and still not finding. You know, just like them and I believed, but now it doesn’t matter.”
“You don’t believe now,” I asked cautiously. “But what would, I believe, but differently and in different things. The world has changed. My world has changed. ”
“What actually happened?” Tears glistened in his eyes. “I loved … um … how to say it, life. I have always loved watching it just as runs, as passes and brings day after day. Sometimes I tried to drink the night when I saw or thought that it could help people, and now you see, I wish it would this night never doesn’t end. I was given many tasks when I received them until once. You know, I’ve always loved the distance. A fresh wind from the mountains. I watched the gentle mist rise from the ground like a veil that hides the secret, and then, then it just lifts up slightly and reveals only a little bit, and then, again and again, another and another bit and you can’t wait. Like when you were a little kid and looking forward to being able to unpack what they gave you in that little box that they hid from you for so long and what it hides in surprise, you unpack it little by little and you have a million thoughts in your head they fly like a flock of frightened butterflies and do everything they can to keep you from thinking, but in fact why. And when there is nothing left to hide, the whole landscape will open up in front of you, as if you have opened your palm and it has been hidden there all this time. You know, then you see it in all its beauty, and at the same time you know that’s so right. It may be ridiculous, but there was always such peace in my soul, and I knew that nothing in the world could be better than this feeling, and I could fly on, for my tasks. And once I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. In fact, I was captivated by the magical scenery that the landscape in front of me was playing, that I had forgotten to be somewhere else, on the other place, and that’s how it happened.”
“You were just watching nature,” I asked cautiously. “Actually, yes,” he replied. “But you know, I did not have, I had a different task. The higher missions called it.”
“But what happened,” I asked confused, I had a hint of dismay in my eyes. And at the same time inside myself, I was looking for an answer to it all. After all, his guilt which paid the cruellest punishment did not seem so serious. “What the hell did you do that made them take your wings?” He smiled sadly, “nothing, I didn’t really do anything,” he whispered softly. “But I saw, and that is my sin.”
“You saw, I repeated.”
“Yes, I saw things I should not have seen. I was so frightened that the noise of my own wings quickened my breath. And then I understood, but it was too late. I knew I had to keep quiet forever, shut the secret deep inside me and try to forget. Only then will I be able to live on and be what I loved so much. The first days were difficult, I kept coming back to my fateful moment with my thoughts. I didn’t know what to do. I took on one more difficult task after another, and in my mind, I justified their mistake. I only lived only for today and believed that the next day might never come again. Until I met you. “
“Me?!”
“Yes, you, without realizing it, I changed at that moment. At first, I didn’t notice it much and I wanted to fly on, but something seemed to hold me back. I watched you from afar, secretly hidden behind all those bushes.”
“Elloi,” I breathe was.
“You tried palm to scare away her fear, I was there then. I saw it all, and I wanted a friend, but there was nothing I could do. Today, I’m so sorry. You looked at the sky and in your eyes there were tears, and yes, that was exactly the moment when our souls connected each other. Just for a brief moment, but for me it was like it took forever.”
“And then what did you do then?”
“Nothing, I just had to fly on, but I knew I would meet you again one day. In fact, I knew exactly where to look for you. So it wasn’t that hard. I turned around and wanted to fly my own way, but the fateful mistake I had made centuries ago seemed to change my life forever. Exactly the one, I buried deep inside to me. It had been gone for centuries and suddenly re-emerged. I tried to scare the memory away, and the harder I tried, the harder it got. Whatever I did, no matter where I flew, no matter what I did. Again and again, she came back. I closed my eyes believing it would disappear and when I reopened them it was there again. A dumb witness, a dumb reminder of my sin.
A few days later, I met you again. No, I don’t mean it was unintentional. I just wanted to see you again. All I had to think about was that fateful day. And the sight of you always showed him to me reliably, as if it had only happened a minute ago and not so long time ago. Today I know that it was supposed to happen then and that it was supposed to happen to me. My little secret, which I tried to hide from the world, was burned into my skin. When that happened, I disappeared for several long days, wondering how to behave and what to do. But I always wanted to help people and I was afraid to change the slightest thing so that my whole life wouldn’t collapse. Who would build with its again, wouldn’t it?” Sarcasm he’s always been able to. “And when I decided to keep quiet then, I actually decided to betray them. And besides, I betrayed myself and my faith. But I didn’t want to admit it. I wanted to have my wings and look at the world from above, to feel free and unfettered. The wings for me were like my whole world, my own world inside me. Beautiful, radiant and glittering. Free? Yes, I thought so too. But how do you want to be free when you keep performing the nonsense tasks, which they wanted? I was wrong and I was so blind. I was as free as a fish caught in a net. Like a lion, which they locked him in a cage to entertain the powerful at their feasts. It is as if I have surrendered my life to the altar of others’ dreams. And now I knew I wanted it back and that I wouldn’t keep quiet. There was a march and trumpets of fame in the distance, but the blood of the innocent flowed around. My rulers sold their souls and instead of faith they fought only for their throne. For many years, I looked up to them, even when I saw what they were capable of and believed that they were doing it for a higher principle, for the good of us all, that it all made its own meaning. I kept apologizing to them for their lies, in front of others and even in front of myself. One of my close friends called them the heavenly nobs, today I understand why. And so it happened.” Out of nowhere, he was serious, and there was an expression in his eyes that was just waiting for some more my curious question or words of misunderstanding. But I was silent. “Yes, even angels have friends with each other,” he added sadly. Thousands of thoughts swirled in my head. “Calm down, my dear friend. Whenever thousands of things are going through your mind at once, I can’t safely determine what you really want to ask.”
“Ehmm,” I paused. Didn’t you say that you wouldn’t read my mind like an open book tonight, that you wanted to do it at least for once, as we humans do, just talk? ”He smiled cheekily. “Yes, that’s what I said. But I can’t help it. I’m just human, too.”
“You’re not an angel, without wings, but you’re still an angel.” We both started laughing out loud, and the laughter filled the whole quiet cafe and dressed it in colours. He got me again. “I’m an angel, I’ll get you whenever I want.”
“Because you’re an angel?”
“No, because you always let me.”

…………………………………………………….

Even a barista, he went to bed a long time ago. I stare out the window at the moon, after all, every night it dies of dawn, and I think about what the first rays of the sun will bring. No, I wasn’t tired and I didn’t really care if ……. “No, you shouldn’t care,” he added quietly. He was still here with me, still sitting across from me in that quiet cafe. He sat there, smiling softly, and his soul was calm.

“Why did they take those wings from you?”
“Because I sacrificed them.”
“But you miss it now.”
“Actually not really, only sometimes I miss it. I have had to walk the ground like you all these years, but my soul is free and actually can actually fly that way.”
“But they took from you, the most precious thing you ever had, your wings,” I shouted, and my voice was sounding through the quiet cafe, almost scaring myself. His face lit up. “And you know what, they won’t take anything from me anymore because they can’t. And so I’m really free, like that bird.”
“Freedom,” I added with a somewhat tired face that now made my laughter shine.

“We should have a drink, for those dreams of happiness and for all that faith in the future,” he added. I sipped from my very long-cold coffee, as he would point out and reply, “I’ll drink to all of those whose bullets never hit their goal.” He raised his sad head and smiled. I toast, and at the same time, I know that when this night is over, I will never see him again.

The end? No, it’s just the day with its first morning rays that scares this night. Over the silent morning, he smiled at me for the last time and whispered, “Friend,” and held out his pale palm in front of him. And when he opened it there was the last snow-white feather from his wings. “But how’s that,” I asked.
“Because then I came back and took him back. It was mine.”

Dawn, this night went to bed.

 (01/2022)